Patience

It took me 8 months to lose 100lbs in 2010.  That is really fast when you think about it but it actually took complete commitment day after day without any overnight changes.  I could see over time the improvements in the mirror and I could definitely feel them over time but it took commitment over time.

That is an important thing to remember at this point in my life for a few reasons.  I have begun to experience the change of heart I sought months ago and it came as an answer to fervent prayer about a totally different issue.  I have felt, maybe for the first time, the difference between having a testimony and being converted, being a true disciple or follower of Jesus Christ.  I have had to come to the realization that before I can ever know what God wants me to with my life, I need to become who God wants me to become.  I need to love sincerely, give completely, and be fully committed to keeping the commandments.  I have always felt God's love for me, but I want Him to trust me.  To speak to me and allow me to be His hands to serve and give.  He, I am learning, is quick to love but he meters His trust a little at a time as we prove our willingness to commit over time.  The biggest challenge right now is just knowing what His Will is.  I try to listen for the spirit, to pay attention to the feelings in my heart, but it is not easy.  I think Pres. Monson is a great example of how to get better at this.  Whenever he feels prompted, he goes and does...no waiting or thinking, just acting.   I have a long ways to go in that regard but I am committed.

I also have the challenge that my knee is still full of pain.   It is my fault, it was getting stronger and after our Ragnar race, I pushed a little too hard and hurt it again and then I haven't done anything since.

For once in my life, I am excited to get my physical, spiritual, and temporal healthy all at the same time.  That might be harder than I know with all the challenges at work, but that is a post for another day.

April 10

I had a rough day yesterday. I am committed to getting my health back and focusing on my diet and excercise. Unfortunately, I ate a huge lunch and could barely breath the rest of the day. It made working out very hard and the pain in my knee was horrible as I did strenthening exercises but I did do something and that is better than nothing.

The worst part was how terribly tired I felt all afternoon. I was in bed by 9:30 and did not wake up until after 8am. I really can't seem to wake up early but I am going to keep trying. I already feel better today.

The worst part of the day was that I feel like I fell back into a funk yesterday after some bad news at work and I can't let that happen. I need to stay positive. It is interesting that almost all of the conference talks have referred to challenges and overcoming them and not feeling discourged because of our faith. I am grateful for the messages we hear every 6 months.

I am realizing how impatient I am and how faith sometime equals trust over time in the Lord.

I had an answer to prayer on the way to work a couple of days ago. I was listening to a conference talk and I heard again what I have been feeling and thinking about a lot in the past many months. That I need to experience a mighty change of heart to feel charity and serve with the right attitude. I asked, as I drove, how I could get there because I know I have the desire but that does not seem to be enough. I felt immediately that I need to make a commitment to praying and studying the gospel. Not a big or difficult task, just a solid commitment. That was the first time in a while where I realized directly from the Lord, what I had been hearing and thinking for a long time. I am cautious to commit because of issues that I talked about in my last entry but I think that its all tied together and that I need to make the effort.

This morning in Virginia Beach I put my knee brace on and got on a treadmill for the first time in over 8 months. I tried to walk fast but I was bored so I cranked the speed up to a whopping 4.6 mph and pushed my knee and my increasingly round shaped body. I ran for about 25 minutes with some walking mixed in but in the middle I ran a full mile in 13:56. That is pathetic compared to my previous life but for my post-surgery self, it was a small miracle! I really want to push a little harder each week and get myself back. It is only mid afternoon now and my knee hurts so bad I can barely walk but each step reminds me of my morning victory and having earned the pain somehow gives me a sense of pride in my slight limp.

I fired one of my long time scaleman this week for stealing. You would think that with the tough time I have been having, this would have been negative catalyst for me, but I knew that I was in the right and he was in the wrong and I even felt better than I have been feeling after I did it. I am often overwhelmed and/or discouraged at work thinking about all the ways I need to improve the processes or employees or culture, etc. This week was no different but I know I am appreciated and I am making strides each week. I am very good at having a vision. This, I believe, is a crucial leadership skill. I struggle sometimes with the "how do we get from here to there" quesiton and I am working to figure out the best way to answer it in each circumstance.

I wanted to add that I love my kids and I love my wife. There is definitely a special bond between a little boy and his dad and I love it. It is an honor to know what these young and excited kids will grow to become. I see a simple faith in Bella that is stronger than most any child I have ever met. She is only 6, and very much 6 in many ways but she truly believes that praying to her Father will resolve any problem she is having. And most of the time, she is right.

My Journal

I have felt the need for a while to use journal writing as an outlet for the stress, pain, and emotion I have been enjoying over the past many months. It is so hard to start something with any real commitment. I have had the ability in my life for periods, to be incredibly committed to certain routines or accomplishing certian goals. I decided in the MTC after seeing another missionaries journal, to keep a daily journal of my whole mission. I was able to keep that commitment amid all of the many responisbilities and fatigue that beset me as I served the Lord. I am grateful for my stubborn determination. I noticed it again at BYU after seeing Adam Ward unworldly focus on grades. I wanted to get the best grades possible and after my freshmen year, I did not get below an A- in any class the rest of my time and I graduated Cum Laude. A couple of years ago, I determined to get myself healthy before my 30th birthday. With the same focus, determination, and dogged commitment to the goal, I worked out vigorsouly and with purpose 6 days a week and even more impressive, I ate much more healthily that I ever had in my life and lost over 100lbs. I even signed up for, trained for, and completed a 1/2 marathon last year. As impressive as these accomplishments are, I have had many more equally disappointing failures in trying to make a change or accomplish a goal. I have no idea, or at least I can't pinpoint, the reason that I have done so well and been so committed at times and seen that commitment be so weak and fleeting at others. I hope that as I try and write with some frequency in this, my blog/journal, I can begin to dissect and analyze my life and find answers. These answers are crucial to help me overcome the trials and challenges I have recently faced. Even more, they are essential to help me reach my ultimate goal of being worthy of the spirit of the Lord and to one day return with honor to His presence.

The past few weeks have been full of stress from issue at work and from a frustration with my health. I think I sometime blur the line between things that I can control and things that I cannnot. Also, there is a misinterpretation of the cause and effect of issue in my life. For example, my knee hurts and often I don't feel like working out because my knee hurts. If I step back however, I know that the only I can do about the pain in my knee is work my tail off at the gym to rebuild strenth and endurance and to get my knee healthy. I don't work out because of pain but the pain is acutally a result of me not working out. The same issue is the case with my thyroid hormone levels. I have felt fatigue and blame it on my thyroid. That might be the case but I cannot let myself become enslaved by my thyroid issues. I need to fight to be the person I want to be. Its the same at work. I have been frustrated with issue at work and often think, "if only..." What I need to do is systematically make the changes and improvements that will lower my stress and improve our business.

I have ideas and desires, goals and aspirations. I am a smart man and I know that I can accomplish anything I am completely committed to. So, how to I completlely commit myself?